Right Where I Am: Two Days Shy of 6 Months and Two Days Shy of 18 Months

This was started by Angie.  I thought it would be therapeutic to write it all down. 

This blog originally started out as a place to put down my thoughts and how I move forward.  It has taken a different direction, but that’s okay.  I like where it is headed even though I will still share some posts about moving forward.  I read a few blogs written by other Mamas who have lost their babies.  I really only follow one of them, but I believe it is helpful to read what other Mamas are going through.  There are, thankfully, only a few people out there that know what I’ve gone through.  It is definitely a tough position to be put in.  I think one day I will share the whole story, but the rest of this post contains some of the story. 

  

Instead of losing just one baby, I’ve lost two.  Ironically on the same day exactly one year apart.  A lot of the blogs that I read, those Mamas lost their babies due to stillbirth.  I guess you can say I was lucky enough to have my babies with me for a little time before they went to Heaven.  We also had time to prepare for our little angels to get their wings.  With Baby Hope we found out in August 2009 that she had a chromosomal issue which would prevent her from living.  She was born November 29, 2009 (at 34 weeks) and was in my arms for an hour and ten minutes. 

I want to say that I did very well after her birth because I had time to prepare.  It’s true, I had been grieving this angel since we found out she wouldn’t make it in August.  We wanted to try again as soon as we could to have another baby.

We got pregnant again relatively easily.  When we went for our ultrasound at 20 weeks with our specialist, we found out that this baby, a boy, also wouldn’t make it.  (It has since been determined that we are both carriers of a disease.  See this post.)  I went into labor with Ben on November 29, 2010 (at 35 weeks) and he was with us for three and a half hours.  In addition to the genetic disease they both received from us they also share a birthday. 

I feel like I’ve worked very hard, and I have, to be in the position I am in right now.  I love talking about my babies, and I actually dislike when people do not mention them because they think I will get emotional.  I might, but it’s good for people to know that the emotions are real.

Do I have my bad days?  Um, yeah.  I am human.  The worst day, other than Christmas Eve mass, was Mother’s Day.  All you hear all day and see everywhere is “Happy Mother’s Day!”  For the Mamas out there without their babies, it’s kind of a low blow to see it.  I don’t know how to describe it.  (Just a disclaimer:  I’m very happy for all the Mamas out there with their babies.  I love that there is a day to honor you and the rest of the Mamas out there, it’s just tough on us.)  Oh and then in church, I love how they honor the Mamas, but I couldn’t look up and all I did was cry the whole time they did the blessing.  And poor Brady.  He has no idea how to help me during those times.  (I actually don’t think there really is any way to help anyone through it, but he’s here and that’s what matters when I need someone.)  It’s just so different for the guys.  He was able to get away from what was going on.  Not me.

So where am I right now?  I’m in a good place.  We’re going to adopt hopefully sometime soon.  We’re just waiting on the adoption agency to schedule things so we can become active soon.  I miss my little babies every single day.  There are days that I wonder what life would be like if we had either of them with us.  I wonder if we would have gone to Panama City Beach with my family last summer or if we would have made it out to DC this spring to visit the Rivers.  How many times would we have had to take a crying baby out of church or what photographer would we have chosen to take their pictures?  There are so many questions that go unanswered.  But that’s okay.  Somehow this is the plan that is laid out for me.  I’ve come to accept that.  Yes it sucks, and I wish I didn’t have to go through all of it. 

I really think I am a stronger person for going through this.  My faith has been strengthened.  But most of all I know that I have two little angels looking out for me every single day.  It comforts me to know that they are being taken care of by Dean, my brother who passed away in 2003.  They have to be having such a good time with him. 

It’s hard to believe that in two days we should have been celebrating Ben’s half birthday and Hope’s eighteen month birthday.  I think half birthdays are just as good as the regular ones, so how will we celebrate?  We were going to make a half birthday cake, but I think we’re going to make homemade ice cream complete with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. 

A lot of people ask me what they can do to help me.  There really isn’t a way to help me except to be there when I need a shoulder to cry on or to be an ear when I need to talk.  That means the world.  I do ask that the Mamas out there with their children do one thing for me.  LOVE your children, HUG them every chance you get, and even better, don’t just LOVE them, APPRECIATE them.  Loving your children and appreciating your children are two separate things.  Appreciate every minute you have with them, even when they are screaming at the top of their lungs in Wal-Mart as you are trying to check out.  One day you will look back and laugh.  (I know I don’t have experience in this, but it’s more than I’ve gotten to do with my babies.)

I also want to say thanks to our wonderful family and friends.  There is NO way I would be as strong as I am today without you.  You guys have all made us who we are today.  Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  

 

To all you Mamas out there that have had to let your children go, I want you to know that you all have a very special place in my heart.

Kendall's Good Read

I went to the library with the kiddos today after the Chalk Walk.  Kendall started looking at the book in the picture below.  I am so proud.  

The Chalk Walk

Normally on the first Saturday in May, there is a great event in downtown Jasper around the square called The Chalk Walk.  It was postponed until this weekend, and we had a blast.

The Chalk Walk is a fundraiser for the Jasper Community Arts Commission.  You purchase a square to use sidewalk chalk and color your own creation.  It is always fun to go and see what others create.  There are some extremely talented artists, children, and artists of all ages.  There are also different booths where they give children the options of different craft items.  In the past they have made coasters, buttons, and all sorts of fun things.  This year they had a thumb print art station, an accordion butterfly (or dragonfly) station, a face painting station, and, like every year, a community canvas station.  This year's community canvas gave everyone a chance to draw a house and add it to the canvas.

We have such a great time every year.  Here are a few photos from the day.

It was such a great day with my little buddies!  :) 

Central Green

I decided to surprise Trevor tonight with a date to Los Bravos.  I went to pick him up and he wasn't all that thrilled to be going along.  We played around at their house for a while.  They even fought over who got to sit by me on the couch.  Trevor's defense for sitting next to me was, "She's not YOUR godmother!"  Anyway, once he got on board, we went and picked up Brady (he had just got home from work), and we drove to Jasper to enjoy a little Mexican food.  We enjoyed our meal!  We saw a few people we knew and when we were eating, Trevor mentioned how he would like to have some ice cream.  Since I cannot say no to my little man, guess who won?  As we were driving to the Dairy Queen, we drove by Central Green, a semi-new green space where the old Jasper Middle School used to be.  The space was made possible by the family of a Jasper couple who passed away.  They wanted there to be a space in the middle of town for children to come, run, and play.  It is a gorgeous park.

When this park was in the planning phase, there was an article in The Herald that said you could donate money and put a bench or picnic table in the park.  You could donate the money in memory of someone, in honor of someone, or just from yourself.  Mom and Dad decided to donate a bench in memory of Dean since he attended middle school there.  The park was finished last fall but we haven't had a chance to go out and look at it.  We decided to stop by the park today to look at the bench.  I'm glad I brought my camera because, as I said before, this park is GORGEOUS.

This bench was in memory of a good friend of mine.  I miss her so much.  

As we were sitting there enjoying our Dairy Queen treats, Trevor told me that he really likes it at this park.  I think he knows that it is a special place.  We had such a good evening together.  These nights make me very thankful to have both of my little buddies in my life.  

On another note, I want to ask for you to say a special prayer for a family in Celestine.  In October of last year, their 16 year old son was killed in an ATV accident and the father was killed in a motorcycle accident tonight.  My heart aches for them.  

Take Me Down To...

Robert's Stadium.  It doesn't have the same ring as 'the little white church,' but it's where we were Thursday night for this stop on Sugarland's 'The Incredible Machine' tour.  This was their first show on this leg of the tour.  Opening for Sugarland were Little Big Town and Matt Nathanson.

I like to say that 'I know people who know people.'  It's true, I have connections that allow me to do some pretty cool things that I would never be able to do without said connections.  My brother-in-law, Tony, is the webmaster and content manager for John Mellencamp.  LBT toured with Mellencamp a few years back and then Karen, one of the band members, did vocals on one of Mellencamp's albums.  JM happens to record in Belmont, Indiana, so Tony went when JM and Karen were recording.  Long story short, Tony got to know Karen and the rest of the LBT band.  Any time LBT comes close to our area, he gets us a few tickets with a meet and greet pass.

The first time we met LBT was in July 2007 at Freedom Hall.  They were opening for Martina McBride.  We were thrilled when Tony told us he secured some tickets for the Evansville show where they were opening for Sugarland, one of my favorite acts.

We got to the meet and greet and got in the back of the line so that Tony could chat with them a little longer.  After a little wait, we got to chat with them again.  I have not met all that many people in the music business, but I do think that LBT just might be the nicest musicians in the business.  We chatted with them for a while and then took our picture.

We hung around for a little bit while Tony chatted with them and then went to our seats.  We enjoyed Matt Nathanson's set.  He's really talented, and I may be having to get some of his music on my iPod soon.  Little Big Town's set was awesome, as usual, and we enjoyed every minute of it.  In the middle of their set, they covered the Lady Gaga song 'Born this Way.'  I think they almost did it BETTER than Gaga, but that's just my opinion.  You can check out a video of them covering it here and form your own opinion.  

Sugarland puts on a great show.  They performed all their hits and even a few covers in between songs.  I highly, highly recommend catching one of their shows if you have a chance.  

It was a great evening.  Thanks, Denise and Tony, for letting us tag along.  We loved every minute of it.  

Happy Birthday, Dean!

Today would have been Dean's 38th birthday.  To honor that, I have posted the last family photo that we took.  It was at my graduation party in May 2003.  He had his accident in September 2003.  

 

Happy birthday big brother!  We love you and miss you!

Trevor's First Communion

I was a very, very proud Godmother and Aunt today.

Trevor made his First Holy Communion during the 10:00 mass.  He was very excited that the day had finally come after months of preparation.  He was a little bit nervous though, as he got to read the second reading.  Turns out he actually had the reading MEMORIZED, so I knew he would do great.  In case you are wondering, he did read from the paper they gave him and did great.

 

Trevor has some pretty cool godparents.  :)  

The above pictures are of Brady and I with Trevor and Kendall on the left and Trevor with Grandma Kathy and Grandpa Ed on the right. 

Kendall had a little trouble with the fact that the whole day was about Trevor, so I wanted her feel a little special, too.  

I cannot say how proud I am of Trevor.  I don't think I have ever seen a little guy so excited to make his first communion.  He sang along to all the songs in church and followed the whole mass in the missal.  He makes me proud to be his Godmother and Aunt every single day.  I know that his Uncle Dean would be so proud of him, too.  

Congratulations on your First Holy Communion, buddy!